I am one of those strange people who actually looks forward to getting older and growing old with my husband. I have always found it interesting when people try to be younger than what they really are; but perhaps I will understand it more as I continue to grow older. As much as I want to pause time with my children being so young, I also look forward to watching my children grow and seeing what they do with their lives.

I am looking forward to watching my girls get married and have children and, even in my 30s, I can’t wait to be a grandma someday. I got married when I was 21, and I am so glad my married life started there. I am very thankful for the age I was when I had my first baby (25) because I want to be young enough (Lord willing) to be able to play with my grandchildren on the floor and help serve my girls when they have babies. I actually look forward to that season of life. I honestly think about that season for my girls often, since I’m in that season myself right now, and it often reflects in how I parent my girls today.

In contemplating the days to come, this completely random thought hits me, in a sort of alarming way, “What if I don’t love God when I’m 80 years old??” I have always had this general assumption that I will just love God more and more the older I get. But the thought hit me in a deeply disturbing way, “What if something in me isn’t able to love God my whole life?” GASP!!!

All of a sudden the dreams and plans and prayers I have for my children and the future, wrapping in every single area of my life, determining my perspective in almost every situation. Including the incredible hope that there is no fear in death for all who love God. EVERYTHING just seemed anchor-less for one terrible moment. I suddenly felt suspended in this disillusioned and depressed feeling; a feeling that completely rested on my own ability to love God. I know myself well enough to know that I make mistakes, I make many mistakes. To have everything resting on me felt completely terrifying for a brief moment.

Then the reminder of God’s pursuit of me in the beginning poured this warm reassuring feeling of complete relief into my heart and mind. Here is what hit me:

I am not loving God now because I am capable of it, I am loving God now and always, because He pursued me first[1], He loved me first[2], and HE will finish the good work that HE started in me[3]. I am simply resting on His grace, Jesus’ grace. Thank God!!

I am not loving God now because I am capable of it Click To Tweet

I am so relieved salvation is not dependent on my completely undependable self to love HIM. What a discouraging, unsure future it would be if that were the case. I am so thankful it is not up to my “good works” or “good thoughts” to sustain me through this journey, since we know we are guaranteed challenges and hard things in this broken world.

it is not up to my “good works” or “good thoughts” to sustain me through this journey. Click To Tweet

It is simply my job to acknowledge His sustaining grace in every situation, knowing He will never leave us or forsake us. I am thankful that my gracious Savior interacts with my feeble and fickle self, to shine brightly and graciously through each challenge I face.

What a gracious God who pursues us.

[1] John 6:44

[2] 1 John 4:19

[3] Phil 1:6